Monday, February 18, 2013

Being "Saved" IS All It's Cracked Up To Be

Today is a day that I feel different. Not a ton different. There’s just a tiny, infinitesimal part of me that has changed. But it’s such a radical change that I feel like I should be glowing green.

Let me start over. I've talked about my struggle with faith here. I've talked about my church journey here. For the last several months, I’ve been attending the same church.  Not every Sunday. But enough Sunday's to make a difference. And I’ve felt this….softening. My heart has opened up. My priorities have changed. My focus is different.  My understanding is growing. I think I’ve become nicer. Less bitter. Less judgmental. Why, you ask? What sort of miracle drug has made me, a snippy, sarcastic (albeit hilarious) woman of today, actually stop being Mrs. Judgy McJudgyson as often and start being nice(r)? Well, my friends, I’m happy to say…it’s no drug. And without getting all churchy-churchy up in hur, I’m going to just shout out that it is all Jesus Christ!!

Prayer is a crazy thing. Crazy, because it works! And no, I’m not pregnant. Yet. Yes, I pray for that. Constantly. But I also pray for a better attitude. I’ve prayed to stop being so bratty. I’ve prayed to have my heart open and soften. And it's happening. No, it didn't happen overnight. It is happening so gradually that I didn’t even notice it right away. But happening it is. And I pray it continues to happen every day. Because I sure need it Every. Single. Day.
One other thing I pray about constantly: my husband's journey. He hasn't even consciously started making one yet. But I really want Tony to join me on this journey of accepting Jesus. Accepting God. I need him to stand next to me. But I can’t force it. I can’t even ask for it. All I can do is pray for it. And you know what, Tony went to church with me yesterday. No questions asked. I just said “think about it”. He replied immediately with, “I’ll go.” Simple. No fuss. Typical Tony. And you know what he got to witness since he came? Me, surrendering my life to Jesus. The hardest yet easiest thing I’ve ever done. And I believe that by him witnessing God working in me, his heart maybe opened up a tiny bit. Just enough for Jesus to squeeze in and starting chinking away at his armor.  And if God can find a way into a non-believing, cynical heart like mine, he absolutely can become strong in Tony’s heart.

I admit, even though this journey has stopped being as much about my struggle with infertility and has started becoming more about me being better: a better person, a better wife, a better Christian (or a Christian at all, really), I am starting to feel grateful that we have had to struggle to have a baby. Maybe it still won’t happen soon for us, or naturally, or at all. But if I hadn't had to struggle now, and for the last 2 years of our life, I wouldn’t have started looking for peace. For peace that only Jesus Christ can provide.  So yeah, as crazy as it sounds, I'm grateful.

But I still want to get pregnant. Like immediately. So God, if You're reading this, I pray that this is our year to start our family. In Your Son's name, I pray. Amen. :)

5 comments:

  1. Oh, Tienna. You have no idea how much joy I feel reading this post. Seriously. I have tears streaming down my face! I have been praying for you to become my sister in Christ for years now. My church encourages us to pray for our "Top 5" to know the Lord and you were my Top 1. I am so, so, SO happy for you! You are right -- it's not an outward change at all but a radical inward one that will soon leave you wondering how you ever lived without Him. Praying for that hubby of yours and that uterus of yours! :) HUGS!

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  2. tianna!! This is an incredible post!! I'm so, so happy for you!! And, you are still hilarious , by the way :-)

    After years of struggling with infertility, I can now look back and see that God was using that time for a specific purpose - to draw my husband and I closer to Him. We learned to surrender our lives, our dreams, our expectations and embrace HIS story for us instead. And, it was a much, much better story than we could have ever written on our own. He used that time to do so much work on my heart and my faith and my walk with Christ. I'm thankful for the hard because it brought me to a place of beauty. Praying now that this is the year He blesses you with your baby and praising Him that you are my sister in Christ!!! XO!

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  3. I am soooooooo excited for you!!!! I began my journey with Jesus in 1977 and it has been awesome. Many blessings to you and Tony! I am doing the happy dance!

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  4. I don't know you (just found my way over via Upward Not Inward) but this post brought me to tears! Realizing that this life is not about us, but about praising our Lord and what He has done for us is such a humbling and freeing feeling. I am so happy that you have found your place in God's family! Adding my prayers for your husband's walk, and that God will bless you with the family you long for.

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  5. Why have I never made it over to your blog before?! I must tell you, this was inspiring to me. And I am so happy for you. You guys are often in my prayers, and will continue to be! I actually have alot to say, so I think I will just email you! Love you!

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