Infertility: 27ish Clomid: 0

Fail. Epic fail this month. Total bummer, I know. But I have to admit, I'm not nearly as upset about it as I thought I would be. Partly because I never fully got my hopes up(ish) and partly because I feel like we're moving at the pace we need to be moving for us. For our situation, our marriage, our life. Yes, we've been struggling with infertility for over 2 years now. But I have to admit, many of those months, we didn't exactly "try" as much as we should have. It's not like I've been charting my temps and doing opk's (ovulation predictor kits) or checking for CM (google that one if you don't know) every single month for 27 months. I'd say we gave it a great shot about 33% of the time, a good shot about 25% of the time, and an iffy shot the other 42% of the time.

In case there is anyone out there that reads this that is beginning their struggle with infertility, I'd just like to say this...the thing with infertility, with the constant hope and struggle to have your own baby, it's all-consuming. And I mean ALL-consuming. There have been so many months, so many 2ww's (two week waits following ovulation) that I ate, slept, and breathed with the yearning to get pregnant. To see that 2nd stinkin' pink line. To get to tell my husband that his dream finally came true. To get to tell my dad that he's finally going to be a Papa. To tell my mom that she was right once again, and it "WILL happen".To get to call Kelsey and Kaleena and squeal in their ears at the top of my lungs that IT FINALLY HAPPENED!! To get to tell Rebecca and Taylor that their prayers, their daily prayers, were finally answered. So many months that I woke up and realized AF (that biatch) came yet again and could barely force myself to get out of bed for the devastation. But you know what...there have also been so many months that I look at my husband and I think how lucky I am to have a man that is perpetually hopeful and positive and just plain confident that this is in the cards for us. Months that my best friends show their love and support to me by listening to me examine and analyze every twitch and tingle that obviously panned out to be nothing but PMS. Months that I think to myself, "Yes, ma'am, this is going to happen. You are going to get pregnant. You are going to be a mother. This will all be worth it in the end." And though I don't believe what I tell myself every single month, I believe myself more often and not. Hope is the key to my sanity. To our sanity.

Jeremiah 17:7-8
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." 

 

 

So here's my plan for today: We're going to do one more round of Clomid this month. I'm going to continue to do acupuncture. And we will "try" our little hearts out. Ha! Then we're going to cross our fingers and pray that it works. If it doesn't, we're going to relax for 2 weeks and then head out on our anniversary vacation and relax for another week! Woot woot!! When we get back, if I'm still not knocked up...I'll make an appointment with an RE. 

 

Oh and on another positive note, I found out my health insurance DOES cover infertility diagnosing. Booya!! 

Mother's Day, Infertility, Church - all rolled into one

For those of us inferty's, Mother's Day can be hard. This was the 3rd Mother's Day in a row that I secretly thought to myself "it would be so cool to find out I was pregnant before Mother's Day so we can tell our moms in a really cool way that they're going to be Grandma's on this special day." And the 3rd Mother's Day in a row that we aren't pregnant. It stinks.

Yesterday really wasn't bad. We celebrated with my mom on Saturday night and are celebrating with Tony's mom next weekend, so I had the luxury of being able to wallow in self-pity all day if I so chose. I didn't so choose, though. I enjoyed just kind of hanging out with myself. Cleaned a little. Played with my 4-legged children. When the guys got back from fishing, we put the pool up (holla!). I watched a Tyler Perry movie that made me super grateful for my wonderful husband and marriage. All in all, just a standard Sunday. My BFF sent me a really sweet text first thing, which brightened my day. I admit I was lazy in sending out a Happy Mother's Day to all my friends and other family (and by lazy, I mean I didn't send one...or post anything on FB....), but I'm sure they all have plenty of people to wish them a Happy Mother's Day.

On another note, I have GOT to get back into going to church. We're now on week 6, I think, of me not going. I don't know what the problem is. Tony ran into the pastor of the church I have been going to for the last several months, and it just reminded me how much I like him and how much I really enjoy going there. And of course this Sunday I'll be in Pryor so church won't be an option yet again. Maybe we can swing by Lifechurch in Broken Arrow on our way home. I've wanted to check it out for awhile and I'm pretty sure they have evening services.

Oh and if you're familiar with The Bloggess, she wrote a really good post about Mother's Day. Read it. And then read some of her other posts. She is probably one of the funniest people in the blogosphere.

Music - Kick A** and otherwise

Music isn't a big driving force in my life. Don't get me wrong...I love it. But it's just never been something I've used for anything other than entertainment or to relax.

The genre of music I listen to changes with the wind. If a country song from the 90s comes on, I'll probably know every single word to every single song. My parents like music - of the "country" persuasion - so it was always on growing up. As I've gotten older, my tastes have broadened. Now, I tend to listen to things that are more mellow. Currently, I love Jason Mraz and Ed Sheeran and Adele. I've been a fan of Pink since like second 1 of her career. I love Metallica, AC/DC, Garth Brooks, Reba McIntyre, Eminem, Beyoncé....I'm an equal opportunity listener.

I occasionally go to iTunes just to see what's in the top 10. I like to see what the kids are listening to these days. Ha! No, but seriously....I wouldn't have a clue what was popular if it weren't for iTunes. I don't listen to any music TV. The only radio station I typically listen to plays a lot of 80s music. I don't really go to bars or clubs. I' m usually kind of lame. Until now. Now I took a chance and made my first album purchase (still in mp3 format - I'm way too lazy to go to a music store, for cryin' out loud) since like 1996. Generally I just purchase singles. Or have my brother *cough* get me what I want. So it's something unexpected for me. It's a band called Pistol Annies and it's a trio of ladies, one that includes a little well-known girl named Miranda Lambert. Anyway, they've got kind of a bluesy, bluegrassy, country twang thing that I am digging. I don't tend to listen to current female country artists (Taylor Swift not included - I adore her!). Especially the one's that sing about man-hating, beer-swigging girl power. Just not my thing. I happen to like my man. A lot. :) And I have 30 breathing down my neck so rarely do I have the opportunity to swig a beer. I sip daintily. Nor do I wear belt buckles, jeans with rhinestones on the hiney, or boots that cost as much as a Coach bag. I don't know why this particular album made me take a chance, but I am so glad I did. I think I may have a slight crush on Blake Shelton, which makes me love Miranda by default...it was bound to happen.

Anyway, here's a video from their first album for their song "Hell on Heels".

Friday's Letters

Dear Clomid - I was obviously premature in my analysis of your side-effects. The bloating/heartburn/(sorry for the tmi) constipation are literally about to do me in. I just keep telling myself it's good practice for being pregnant....but dang....this is for the birds.

Dear Chick-fil-a - your new Cobb salad is rad. Seriously delicious. But too pricey for regular purchasing ($7.19) and you really need to allow grilled chicken substitution. Oh and your sweet tea is good too. Unfortunately.

Dear Husband - you have been absolutely delightful this week. Thank you for being so supportive and encouraging 100% of the time. I'm a lucky lady.

Dear Vampire Diaries - Holy Toledo you have flat gone crazy. I can't wait for the season finale next week!! Sheesh!! Oh and your spin-off, The Originals - woohoo!!! Klaus is my fave so this news thrilled me to my toes. Speaking of toes....

Dear Mint Green Nail Polish - you are so pretty. I'm sorry that a professional didn't apply you to my toenails this morning and that you have definitely extended from the nail to my toe...and a little bit on the bathroom floor...and my hair dryer...but you look fabulous!!

Veggies and herbs and flowers, oh my!

We've been busy this week. Look at our glorious garden!! So far, we've planted:

In the big bed:

1. Green Beans - Bush, first time - we'll see
2. Tomatoes - One that starts with a C I think, and then cherry
3. Bell Peppers - and we're very non-discriminate when it comes to our peppers - green, orange, red and yellow...all is welcome
4. Carrots - also first time...these I started from seeds inside so I have no idea what to expect. I bet they don't come out of the ground all clean and orangey and "petite" with a side of ranch dip, which is the only way I really like them.
5. Cucumbers - we didn't have a ton of success with the cukes last year. We got a couple of infestations that just wiped them out pretty early on. And we were so overwhelmed with our zukes that I gave up. We've re-arranged a few things this year (and planted way fewer tomatoes - those girls took over last year) and it makes more sense. And hopefully equals less work for moi, which is usually my goal. In gardening and in life.

 



Closest to you is ze okra and then my glorious zucchini's are in the middle. I love love love zucchini. Almost as much as the damn bastard squash bugs love it. I hate those things. They're my mortal enemies. I want them all to die. Painfully. I heard that marigold's repel some bugs, so I planted 6 of those babies in that middle box. I hope the way they repel them is by instant paralysis followed by all-consuming pain. For the bugs, of course. I'll keep you posted.

 Are these not the most fabulous little planter boxes you've ever seen? Tony built them with some scrap wood he got from his work so not only do they look adorbs, they were free AND we're recycling. We're basically single-handedly saving the world. You're welcome. I've planted an herb garden in these little beauties. Basil on top, then sage, rosemary, cilantro and a 5th that I can't remember.

  It's looking like spring around my house. Holla!



 

 

Is she not the prettiest little girl? I just wanted proof that there are infrequent occasions where her eyes aren't glowing red and she's still. As in no movement. It rarely happens.

 

 

Clomid Update

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm around ovulation time, so I thought it would be a good time to wrap up my first Clomid experience. Actually, I shouldn't phrase it like that. I really want to write a post several weeks from now that starts with "wrapping up my Clomid experience" but ends with a big pregnancy announcement. But we'll just have to wait and see on that one. :) So for this one - in case there are any women out there that are considering Clomid as an option for them - let me say...go for it!! Obviously I don't know how well it worked for me yet. I hope it worked really well (twins well, if truth be told). However, as far as side effects go...they really were very nominal. During the 5 days I took it (CD 3-7), the only real symptom I had was being hotter than normal. Not really like a hot flash that came and went, but like my body temp was slightly elevated. And actually, my BBT has been slightly elevated so that makes sense. I feel like my mood has been good. No headaches, pain, etc. Until today. Today I feel like a big fat crappapotamus. Super bloated for the last couple of days, headache today, very tired, cranky, etc. And I do typically have some ovulation symptoms, just this month they seem slightly heightened. Could be my imagination, could be the Clomid, could be I'm crazy. Whichever is causing it, the symptoms aren't enough that would prevent me from doing it again.

I think on this side of the fence, it seems pretty silly that I was so worried about it. Of course my anxiety rarely has any rhyme or reason. Overall, even if Clomid isn't the answer for us, I'm glad I did it. As stupid as it sounds to people that don't understand anxiety or panic disorders, I feel like I conquered a demon by doing it. And if I can do this I can totally handle being pregnant. :) Right? Oh and I can handle being a mom, as well, since that lasts considerably longer than pregnancy does. Haha!

To see the first post of my Clomid experience, go here.

I also haven't mentioned acupuncture in awhile, which is shameful. It continues to be a great experience for me. I don't know if it's helping with the whole pregnancy thing or not, but it is definitely helping me mentally and stress-wise. I love love love it! Oh and I also found out my acupuncturist, this sweet girl named Sarah, is totally dating a boy I knew from Junior High approximately 14,000 years ago. Small flippin' world! And I say dating, but they've lived together for 5 years so it's absolutely more than that. There needs to be a better in-between word for marriage and not-yet-engaged-but-definitely-plans-to-be-together-forever, don't you think?

In other news, how much are we loving spring?!? We finally got my garden totally planted last night. It basically looks fabulous. Tony also built me these really cute planter boxes for an herb garden. Which sits on my front porch. And looks adorable. I'll post pics tomorrow. Bonnie is totally digging being outside for more than 5 minutes at a time. Charlotte's leg is getting better every single day. My stress levels are evening out, both work-wise and personally. I think we're going to drag the pool out in the next week or so and set it up. It's still not super hot, but Tony wants to shock it really well and have it ready by Memorial Weekend. Which is A-OK by me. :) I love this time of year!!

Friday's Letters - In Honor of Harper's Birthday

In honor of my favorite now-2 year olds' birthday, here are some pictures I stole from her mommy's blog. Oh and Kels, sorry I stole pictures from your blog. But you take such darn cute one's!!

 



Dear Harper, I adore your smile. Especially when it's mischievous.

Dear Harper, Never stop picking on your older brother. You officially have my permission.

 

Dear Harper, I think you and your brother should just come live with Uncle Tony and me. We're really fun!

 

Dear Harper, Your spirit is beautiful. Even when you decide you're not in the mood to smile.

 

Dear Harper, You were born FABULOUS!! Glad to see you're still working it, girl!



Harpy-Harp-Harp. Little girl, you bring so much joy to the whole world. Your mommy and daddy, grandparents, your brother, strangers at Target - your Aunt Tienna. Everyone. I am so grateful for my friendship with you mommy, not only because it's been so enduring, but also because I get to have a piece of you in my life for always. I love you, precious baby girl and Happy Birthday!! And please don't make this year so "terrible" - your mom would appreciate it. :)